Men should not read this story. It’s a true story, although it might seem surreal or like a romantic fantasy.
And creativity is a must in any field.
My friend is an immigration lawyer. She helps people put down roots in the country of their dreams. I am sure you have heard a lot of terrible things about America recently. But it remains the most desirable place to live for ambitious people with extraordinary abilities, love it or hate it.
The person arrives with an insincere, broad toothy smile hiding the grimness of depression.
A polite but empty “How are you doing?” without any interest in your answer.
It’s not a multiple-choice question. It’s a question that only has one answer. Other answers are not appropriate.
I am jealous of my immigration lawyer friend. She is always the first to hear the most amazing stories.
Last week she had a woman in her office.
Newlywed. Designer outfit from Century 21. Fake Birkin bag in screaming blue.
She asked, with a Brighton Beach accent: “I am 40, and my husband is 80. What would be better for my green card interview? If he lived longer or died soon?”
My friend knows her trade very well, and she does not get emotional. She usually has an answer to any question, no matter how unexpected.
But there are some situations that can knock her off her Louboutin heels.
One morning she had an initial consult with a client who wanted to receive a green card on the basis of her extraordinary skills. She appeared in the law office in an elegant black suit and high heels with a huge briefcase of professional pictures. Her face had a look of confidence and defensiveness simultaneously. My friend described her as someone who knows her price and is ready to defend that number. Some people can be soft and fuzzy, and some have invisible sharp needles projecting everywhere. This initial consult client was the kind you had to handle with care, or you might get hurt.
Good immigration lawyers have to be good psychologists and have a certain chemistry with the client. A lawyer must inspire the client to pursue her dream, sincerely believing it’s possible, but at the same time it has to be within the limits of the law.
My friend, who had thought she had lost the capacity to be surprised, did not understand at first what she was seeing in the pictures.
The client looked at her puzzled expression and asked, “Can you put something more than 12 inches long in your mouth?”
All the photographs were taken with the greatest artistic skill. The pictures demonstrated that gift very precisely. Some were in color, some were black and white, taken from both above and below. In addition to that specific gift, the portfolio offered views of other parts of her body besides her mouth, a mesmerizing art exhibit of naked ballet dancing with sex toys. My friend got an accelerated education on the different opportunities toys can offer in a dance with other partners and with parts of her beautiful body. This extraordinary client was a Russian porn star who planned to put down permanent roots in the United States and definitely bought a useful skill to the table.
The client in high heels was confident in her specialization and felt her ambitions would have better practical outcomes here in the New World. She talked about her talents. She was extremely proud of her accomplishments. She was from a little village on the outskirts of Krasnodar, but she was in New York now. Her rate was one of the highest in the field. She only stayed in luxury hotels with her clients. She never traveled internationally by public transportation—yachts or private jets were a must. Every part of her story was a dazzling demonstration of professional success.
For some reason, my friend noticed that a tune from her childhood was running through her head:
The forest raised a Christmas tree,
’Twas silent and serene
In winter and in summer
It was slender and so green.
My immigration lawyer friend visualized in vivid detail her court appearance. She would say to the judge, “Your honor, I represent my client, who suffered persecution and humiliation in Russia due to her extraordinary abilities. Russia is a hostile climate with no respect for people of her professional orientation.”
My attorney friend was not able to imagine that actually happening.
She asked her client to excuse her for a moment and called me. I am famous for “always having a plan.”
I said to her, “You are not a giver-upper. A specialist like this is one in a million. If you worded it right—you could make the story look totally kosher.”
My friend started reading to me the rules for an O-1 green card.
She said that you have to show:
Evidence of receipt of lesser nationally or internationally recognized prizes or awards for excellence.
I was taking the role of the porn-star client. I said: “My lifestyle is an award for excellence, and my services are only suited for very recognized clients. They have to be able to afford private yachts or jets. I don’t travel by public transportation.”
The immigration lawyer continued:
Evidence of your membership in associations in the field which demand outstanding achievement of their members.
“Workers union or golf club? What exactly do they mean?” I was trying to adapt the rules on paper to the live situation.
Evidence of published material about you in professional or major trade publications or other major media.
“She can show an interview in Cosmopolitan of Ukraine—something like practical advice on how to seduce men.”
Evidence that you have been asked to judge the work of others, either individually or on a panel.
“What panel or judgment exactly? Who would she judge? Fellow sex workers?”
Evidence of your original scientific, scholarly, artistic, athletic, or business-related contributions of major significance to the field.
“In a way, she is scientist—a psychologist for sure.”
Evidence of your authorship of scholarly articles in professional or major trade publications or other major media.
“She can write about the challenges of her profession and how to overcome them.”
Evidence that you command a high salary or other significantly high remuneration in relation to others in the field.
“That’s easy. She said she has a waiting list for her services. But references—what type of references can she present in court?”
Evidence that your work has been displayed at artistic exhibitions or showcases.
Bingo! My immigration lawyer friend probably felt like Newton under the apple tree or Archimedes while he got in the bathtub.
Evidence of your commercial successes in the performing arts.
My friend felt a lightbulb going on in her head.
She went back to her office. Her client was looking out the widow at a view of the Hudson and the Statue of Liberty in the background. She was in need of more liberty without humiliation. She had a tired and worn look, with no life in her eyes. My friend felt an acute pity toward her. She was like a Christmas tree after the holidays were over.
My friend said in a very polite way: “Since you are proficient with placement of objects more than 12 inches long in your mouth, I am confident you had the chance to display your abilities in show business, such as swallowing swords. If you are able to bring me photographic evidence of those performances, I will be able to represent you in court to get you a green card on the basis of your extraordinary abilities.”
Five months passed. We kept laughing about the story. We were discussing some aspects of the life of a porn-star. I said: “Probably she feels exactly like people who work in a factory, detached and mechanical while doing her job. That professional orientation has wrapped her heart in a bullet-proof vest. She probably doesn’t feel any emotions toward human beings. She has to be exclusively self-focused. Her body is her source of income. Otherwise how could you continue with that job?”
Then my friend got a request for another consultation appointment from the same client with extraordinary abilities. This time she had arranged to come with her husband, a famous fashion photographer.
The client with extraordinary abilities looked totally different from the last visit. She was dressed in jeans with fashionable holes in the knees and a bright T-shirt with the slogan, in Russian, “Drink in Petersburg.” This time, the star of her industry did not have invisible sharp needles and did not look like a Christmas tree after the holidays. She had life and interest in her eyes. The photographer was holding her hand. Every eye movement showed how much love they felt for each other.
She continued her story. After her last visit to my friend, she had started looking for a high-end specialist who could represent her art of “swallowing swords” in photography. Through different social media sources, she found him and scheduled an appointment for a photo shoot. She only used the best of the best.
He was very popular and busy. He was famous for making fashion photo shoots look like theatrical performances. He could use the ugliest subjects and strangest scenarios to “sing his song about beauty.”
It was just like in a fairy tale. Our star with extraordinary abilities and the theatrical photographer fully covered in tattoos enjoyed sharing their love story.
She had showed up in the Brooklyn apartment he used as a studio.
She had a collection of swords for performances and portable poles for dancing.
She came up with the idea of integrating the gymnastics of pole dancing and exotic art of sword swallowing to impress the immigration authorities. The star was explaining her idea to the photographer, and he was just staring at her without blinking.
He asked her to show him her performance. She secured the pole in his Brooklyn studio, got out the swords, found music on iTunes, and began.
After she had “swallowed” her first sword, the photographer jumped up, grabbed her by the hair, and started kissing her. Five months have passed, and they still can’t get enough of each other. He proposed to her after a week. They have not been apart for even a day since then.
The porn star did not want to commit immediately. She waited as long as she could, until her visa was almost expired.
My friend has heard such stories a million times. America is full of dreamers. It was built on dreams.
The porn star had the same briefcase with a portfolio in her hands. She opened it on my friend’s desk. There it was. In color and in black and white. From above and from below. The porn star washing dishes. Folding clothes at the laundromat. Walking on the sand at Brighton Beach with sandals in her hands. Sleeping on his knees on a park bench. There was so much love flowing from those pictures. It felt like the photographer was pulling you into their simple, warm routine.
My friend looked at that new portfolio and asked why they needed her services. The situation was obviously kosher. They could pass the interview without her preparation.
My friend told me this story today. She said: “America smiled on her.”
And I said: “This time, it was not a broad, toothy smile hiding the grimness of unfulfilled dreams and disappointed expectations. America smiled on her in a meaningful and loving way. And the question ‘How are you doing?’ now has multiple-choice answers for them. They are actually interested in a detailed response to that question from each other. Generally speaking, physical and emotional joy or suffering have a totally different flavor in life if you can share them with a significant other.”